Why I hate the FBI - UPDATED

Wow, it has been a long time since I have posted about my initial plans to go to Korea. A lot must have happened since then. Surely, I am making my final preparations and am about to leave!

Wrong.

This may come as a surprise to you, but our government is extremely stupid. For all other countries, obtaining a criminal background check for working in another country takes about 3-4 weeks. For U.S. citizens however, it can take much longer. Why? I have no idea. Here is a brief summary of my experience with the FBI.

May 9th: I send my Criminal Record Check request to the FBI in West Virginia, along with a note requesting an authentication seal for purposes of obtaining an apostille for teaching in South Korea. It's true, I didn't actually know what that meant at the time, but that's what I said. And that's what Adventure Teaching told me to say.

May 10th - June 20th: I wait impatiently for a piece of paper that says I am not a criminal. Why is it taking this long? I gather all of the other required documents in anticipation.

June 20th - June 27th: WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG?! Has something happened? Do my fingerprints match those of someone who raped a baby or something?! Why, oh WHY didn't I get a confirmation number? And why can't I find an FBI phone number?!

June 24th: I RECEIVE MY LETTER FROM THE FBI. It says I'm not a criminal. I am relieved to hear that I am not a baby rapist. It's kind of a boring piece of paper. It doesn't seam very official. Odd. Shouldn't it be notarized? I take it to the bank, and he says he cannot notarize it. He asks me if there should be a signature. I email Adventure Teaching in a panic.

June 25th: Adventure Teaching tells me to call the FBI. Luckily my boring piece of paper has a phone number on it. I call it. A nice man with an adorable West Virginia accent tells me that my boring piece of paper should have a special-exciting stamp on it. I tell him it does not. He says he cannot tell me what to do, as his supervisor is not there! He tells me to call back on Monday because the FBI is closed on the weekend.

June 27th: I call the FBI in the morning. A mean lady tells me to send it back to them, and there is NO POSSIBLE WAY I can get my special piece of paper with a stamp on it without doing so. I go to the post office and ask how much it would be for 2 overnight envelopes. The sympathetic old lady says 40 dollars. I burst into tears and call the FBI. I talk to another mean lady, who tells me her supervisor is not there, so she cannot help me. I don't understand what these people's jobs are if they cannot help me, and if their supervisor is not there. People stare as I emotionally yell into the phone. She forwards me to her supervisor's machine, and I leave a message. Calmly.

June 28th: I wake up before 8 am to a call from Mr. FBI-Customer-Service-Supervisor. He says, indeed, I requested that I needed a special stamp on my papers. He informs me that I cannot go to Korea without it. He also informs be that they are not a department store, and cannot simply mail me another one. I am glad he used this analogy, because I am a woman and probably wouldn't have understood if he hadn't compared the FBI to a department store. I am too tired to say this though. I do say, "So, because you can't do your job correctly, I get to spend 40 dollars to send it back to you?" He said, "I suppose you could look at it that way." What a dumbass. His West Virginia accent is dumb, too. I tell him (in a nutshell) that I do not want to wait another 2 months for my papers, and that he is ruining my life. He gives me a special address and tells me that if I overnight it to Patty, it will be done in a week. I say thanks and fall back to sleep.

Later that day I prepare to mail it. I put sticky notes on my not-special piece of paper that say NEEDS AUTHENTICATION SEAL and HURRY. I also write a letter telling them they did their job wrong. Since the school post office is closed by 2 pm, Laura goes to mail it for me. She refuses to take my 40 dollars. This is stressful for me. Thank you, Laura.

June 30th: My letter arrives in West Virginia again. I know this because Laura got tracking. She is smarter than I am.

July 1st - July 5: Stressssssssss.

July 6th: Someone from Korea emails me and asks me if I'm going to be able to start my job, because they don't have my papers. More stress.

July 7: I call the FBI. I am on hold for 20 minutes. The phone keeps doing this weird ringing thing, where you think someone is going to answer, but then a robot-woman tells you you are on hold. Duh. I listen to this pattern many times. Then a man answers. I don't notice that he is not the woman. He says, "Hello?" I say, "OH I didn't realize you were a person!" We laugh. His name is Jerome. I ask him where my papers are. He says they were mailed yesterday! Logic says they should arrive today!

They don't.

July 8th: I skip AUAP to wait for my record check. The mail finally comes at 2:37. There is a letter for me! It is from West Virginia! It is my record check! There is a special stamp on it! I immediately print my Apostille request letter, and Emily takes me to the post office. I mail it to Olympia. I get a tracking number.

July 11th: My record check is in Olympia! Now, I wait more!

And that is my story so far. It has been well over two months since I needed this paper...luckily, I will still be able to start my job on time. I am sure that the Visa process will not take this long. I hate the FBI. And their stupid West Virginia accents.

UPDATE

July 15th: I get my record check back from Olympia. I am SO excited! This is it! I'm going to Korea! I open the package. There is my record check, but no Apostille. Eh? What the deuce? Oh, I see there is a note. It says to send it to the Department of State for an Apostille. In Washington D.C. I call the Department of State. They say this is true, and it will take 4 weeks.

I cannot make the Visa deadline to start my job in time.

I have lost it.

I email Korea and inform them that I apparently screwed up. I cry.

July 16th: I overnight my stuff to D.C. What's another 40 dollars at this point, anyway?

July 17th: I get an email from Korea. They say to NOT send my stuff to D.C., as it will take many weeks.

...oops.

Korea tells me to use Apostille Pros to get my Apostille. At first I panic, wishing I hadn't returned my papers to the east coast. Then I see the prices...300 dollars?! No way. Sorry Korea. Not going to happen.

July 18th: I call the Secretary of State in Olympia and ask them if they are enjoying my 15 dollars for the Apostille they didn't give me. They say 'oops.' I tell them to mail a refund to my parent's house, as I will not be at this address for much longer.

They say they can't change the address. I get angry. Turns out, they can!

July 19th: I attempt to call the Department of State. My plan is to annoy them until they expedite my paperwork. I cannot get through. Mehhhhhh.

July 20th: I stay up until 4:30 so that I can call the Department of State at 7:30 their time. The phone rings, and a robot says there are too many callers (riiiiiight) and then tells me to leave a message. Then another robot says the inbox is full, so I can't. Repeat for 15 minutes. Finally a person answers, tells me they are not open until 8:15, and hangs up before I can say a word. This happened literally 2 minutes ago.

I am a little afraid of calling now. I am attempting to mentally prepare myself for rudeness.


So, you're probably wondering what happens next. Me too! I know what once my record check comes back, I mail all my papers to Korea. Then they give me a Visa number, and I have to send in a Visa application. It doesn't seem too complicated, but who knows. I have the worst luck in the world...I'll probably accidentally fill out a Visa application for China or something like that. Ridiculous things like to happen to me. For instance, right now the spell checker is telling me that 'accidentally' is not a word. There, it did it again. What the heck.